12 Manliness Guidelines
Manliness is a funny thing. It's hard to define.
I mean TV and the movies and the commercials — oh, the commercials — have done mucked it up. They done made it a caricature of itself.
They made it so manliness is defined by how much beer you drink and how big your pick-up truck is and whether there's enough mud on it and how many feathers and varieties of fur are on the grill, presumably from 4-wheeling through ecologically sensitive areas and pulverizing some endangered species.
That pseudo-manliness shit, made hard and lumpy by too much popular-culture Metamucil, is hard to filter out. It's hard to keep it from influencing my man meter.
Still, I seem to have an innate sense of what actions are manly and which aren't. I even have a sense of what clothes are manly and what aren't.
But the intellectual part of me says what the hell, how do clothes or fashion or affectations define manliness? They don't, not really. Manliness is defined by actions and quiet confidence and loyalty and nobility and chivalry and a whole bunch of other good words that end in the letter y.
But I've seen things. I've not only seen things, but I've heard some things, Joey; things that make my manliness radar ping — and not just one ping, Vasily, multiple pings. Sounds like an enraged meth freak beating on the hood of a Prius with a fireplace poker.
Maybe there's a special part of our brain, nurtured by pure, high-grade Testosterone, that makes these judgments for us, and arguing about them is like analyzing, or worse, arguing about, why Miss April's sweet ass makes us temporarily forget that our wives, children, parents, or even sweet ol' Nana and Papa ever existed.
Early last year, I wrote about "The Richardson Society," a group of Marines that meet regularly to experience the finer things in life. I wrote how part of their discussion had been about this manliness thing, and they enjoyed debating such things as whether it was manly to wear a sports jersey with some athlete's name and number on the back.
(One of them recently wrote an article about this very topic, but I chose not to read it, lest it influence my list.)
Unlike me, they didn't question that part of the brain that made those decisions. Whether something was manly or not was largely a black or white issue.
Inspired by them, I've chosen to quit intellectualizing the issue and just go with my gut. With that in mind, here's some shit that just doesn't fly on my manliness scale:
1. Wearing a Sports Jersey
The Richardson Society deemed it was okay to wear a sports jersey until you got to high school. I concur. After that, it's got to go to Goodwill.
Idolizing another man merely for his athletic abilities is distasteful in itself, but wearing his name on your back? What's the point? It's not a magic talisman that will grant you the skills of the athlete, nor will it get you any girls, unless you find a nerdy one who's wearing the same jersey.
There is an exception, though. Some clothing items feature the name of a sports franchise or a sports star, but it's used in an ironic sense. If that's the case, feel free to wear it.
Oh wait a minute, I just thought of a second exception. Hot girls can wear anything — including sports jerseys — and get away with it.
2. Wearing a Sports Jersey with Beckham's name on it
Unless you live in Europe (and don't know any better), you shouldn't wear a Beckham jersey if you're older than, say, 6.
Letting a boy older than 6 wear one may affect the young man's sexual development. If you're an adult and you wear one, you can probably get a job guarding a harem.
3. Eating an Ice Cream Cone
Can you imagine Clint Eastwood licking an ice cream cone? No. The thought of it makes you queasy, doesn't it?
Maybe if it had the outline of a vagina made out of sprinkles and a little cherry gummy-bear candy clit, but a plain ice cream cone? No way.
4. Drinking Wine
I'm going to tell you a real-life secret that's more tightly guarded than anything in The Da Vinci Code:
Nobody really likes wine. Really. Oh it's fine to get drunk with, but only people with some whacked out gene that encodes for a faulty receptor protein appreciate wine, along with similar "varietals" like vinegar, cat piss, radiator fluid, or broth made from a fat sweaty girl's panties.
Besides, it's hard to be manly when you pick up that glass with your dainty fingers, swirl it around, take a sip, and get an expression that makes you look like you're getting fellated by a Vietnamese girl with removable teeth.
And I tell you, beer ain't all that much better. It's the polar opposite of wine, but not in a good way. I'll prove it to you: beer commercials. Any self-respecting man would look at any beer commercial, get sick to his stomach at the kind of guy represented therein, and swear off the evil brew forever.
Men drink whiskey, gin, vodka, bourbon, Scotch, or nothing at all, literally. I mean not even water. Okay, okay, water and protein drinks too, but that's it.
5. Texting
Go ahead and text, new-media boy, but unless you're 15 and the star of the delightful comic strip, Zits, you must occasionally converse the old-fashioned way: through speech, otherwise known as the communication or expression of thoughts in spoken words.
I had a friend visit me recently. He never looked up from his Blackberry the entire weekend. When we were eating, he'd text. When we were walking, he'd text. Damn near got hit by a couple of city busses. So intent was he on texting that he missed seeing a volcano erupt; missed seeing a solar eclipse; and missed a flock of rare bald eagles that, while flying, formed the words, "Look up, dummy."
6. Saying Ciao
Maybe this is a West Coast thing, but every second hairball around these parts says "Ciao" (chow) instead of "see ya."
It's not right. Only European hairdressers can say ciao, and only if they're from Southern Europe.
7. Walking to a Public Restroom Carrying a Newspaper
Walking to public bathroom with a newspaper rolled up under your arm automatically sends every bed-able female the mental image of you sitting on the can, leisurely reading the sports section, periodically making the tiles ring with a blast worthy of Heimdal's Asgardian horn.
It's not manly to let a woman know you're going to take a shit. It'll also do very little to help you get laid.
8. Wearing Matching Outfits
Oh yes, you know who you are. Your girlfriend or wife thinks it shows romantic solidarity, that regardless of the hardships of the cold, cruel world, you two are immune because you're a team and your matching periwinkle Patagonia Synchilla® Marsupial jackets prove it.
The trouble is, to the rest of us who've maintained possession of our balls, your team is about as manly as a couple of same-sex synchronized swimmers, and you're Martin Short.
If you're in such a relationship, save yourself and dump the poor sentimental, deluded woman.
9. Ordering Fancy Coffee Drinks
Try walking into Starbucks and ordering a mocha frappuccino, a caramel macchiato, or a freakin' cinnamon crappe latte without feeling your balls shrivel up just a little bit. Can't be done.
Besides, you've got to prepare for Armageddon, buddy. You think they're going to have lattes and frappuccinos around when Armageddon hits? No way. They may have black coffee, though, only it'll have been filtered through the battle worn, threadbare panties of some hot breasted, Road Warrior style Amazon chick.
10. Wearing Anything You Saw Featured in Details Magazine
Granted, it's hard to dress like a man. We just don't have many choices. We have suits and jeans and T-shirts or polo-style shirts. That's it.
But that's no reason to start wearing some of the foppish crap you see in Details or some of the other men's fashion magazines.
It seems somehow telling that gay men design women's fashions. It works. But why-oh-why are they designing men's clothes, too? We need lesbian women to become fashion designers for men. Then we'd have a chance at fashion dignity.
11. Hugging
Why do men who barely know each other insist on hugging? Unless the guy saved your life in Fallujah or gave you a kidney, don't hug him; a handshake will do just fine and I'm talking about a conventional handshake because I'm not willing to invest the time to learn what current, cool, multiple hand-gyration homie or gangsta handshake is currently in fashion.
12. Ordering it My Way
Going into a restaurant or deli or doughnut or coffee shop and giving long, drawn-out instructions about how you want your goddam cheese Danish served just so; telling the waitress that you want your bread toasted to the exact matching hue of Halle Berry's ass and that you want your eggs over easy but not too over easy and you don't want the hash browns on the same plate; how you want your coffee half-decaf and half-regular with just a whisper of cinnamon, etc., makes me want to stick my size 11, Donald Pliner, handmade-in-the-mountains-of-Italy hiking boot up your ass.
Unless you're preparing for the Mr. Olympia, eat what's on the menu. Scratch that. If you're preparing for the Mr. Olympia, stay home and save your species some restaurant embarrassment.
I think my deed in reaffirming manliness is done here. Now scuze me while I go tweeze my eyebrows.
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