The Hadron Collider in My Pants
by TC
The biological Hadron Collider in our pants, better known as our testicles, are constantly banging out the dark matter we call Testosterone and that, frankly, is why women will never, ever, understand us.
Women — at least most women — don't understand the intensity of our biological imperative, or should I say, our false biological imperative. Nature or the Almighty put the imperative there in the first place, the imperative to bear offspring, but we done thwarted it by using rubbers and birth control pills and coming on her stomach.
As such, the sex drive remains, but it's mostly directed at non-reproductive sex.
Women? They have a biological imperative too; they feel some sort of yearning for a baby and they too have libidos and they surely indulge in their share of non-reproductive sex, but their libidos are still driven largely by fertility; ebbing and flowing based on when their eggs are most ready to be peeled by head-banging sperm.
But what's their yearning and their comparatively weak hormonal drive compared to what we go through every day, the endless, constant, all-consuming, destroy everything, risk everything, cut down forests, fight heaven and hell drive to get all the pussy we can shish-kabob on our members?
Maybe you've gone to a baseball game where they pick two schlubs from the audience to come down to the field and race towards a pile of one-dollar bills. Each gets to keep as many bills as he can shove in his pants, stuff in his mouth, and carry in his greedy hands.
That metaphor describes our sexually harried lives, only instead of competing for dollar bills, we're racing against each other to grab up all the pussy we can carry. If there were naked women lying in a pile instead of dollar bills, we'd try to cart off the whole lot of them, even attempting to spread their legs and affix them to our skin, hoping the suction would keep them from falling off and we wouldn't give a damn if the buzzer sounded when time ran out.
They'd have to shoot us before we'd give up. I don't know if it's heroic or pathetic.
Do women even realize the extent of these appetites? I think most of them think our insatiable sex drives are mere posturing, but you and I know better.
I wonder, if it weren't for societal constraints, just how far would men go in their quest for pussy? Would we ever pull the ripcord on our libido?
Look at the one-time emperor of Morocco, Moulay Ismail the Bloodthirsty. He fathered 888 children through his seemingly endless stream of wives and concubines. Lord only knows how many couplings failed or resulted in miscarriages.
If you ask me, it sounds like Moulay was thirstier for bootay than blood.
Or consider Chou, king of China in the 12th century, who built a lake of wine and forced naked men and women to chase one another around it. The forest surrounding the wine lake was strung with human flesh. Why did he do it? To please and impress his concubine, but I kinda' think he got off on it more than she did.
If you want a modern example, look at the current king of Swaziland, Mswati III, who hosts a yearly "Reed Dance" in which thousands of bare-breasted virgins vie to become the king's next wife. And before you think old Mswati is just following some ancient time-honored tradition started by his tribal forefathers, the randy bastard instituted the ceremony himself in 1999!
Hugh Hefner, 82-year-old Hugh Hefner, too old, too tired to sleep with seven women anymore, has downsized to just three sizzling hot women, any one of which most of us would probably trade our souls just to drape their panties around our heads while we traipsed through the Alps singing, "The hills are alive, with the sound of mu-sic…"
Who knows? Maybe those examples are tame and tepid compared to what a man might do if there were no moral or legal restrictions or if he didn't care about being ostracized and maybe even shunned by society.
If none of that convinces women that our sexual appetites are more than just posturing, consider what risks males in the animal kingdom are willing to take for sex.
The most famous example of this kind of "kamikaze sex" is the praying mantis, females of which usually eat the heads and sometimes the bodies of their mates. In fact, male heads are the staple food of the female Chinese mantis, comprising 63 percent of their diet.
Regardless of the risk, males don't waver in their quest for mantis pussy.
Or consider the plight of the giant squid. Females typically grow to lengths of 40 feet, while males typically top out at 30 feet. That size disparity in itself isn't a problem, but given that there's no way for the male to have sex with her without making her mad, it often proves dangerous to the male.
The problem is that the female doesn't have a vagina. To get around, or rather, through this problem, the male sports a cartilaginous lance on the end of his penis and he uses it as a type of hypodermic to pierce one of the female's arms. He then "injects" a four-inch-long tadpole shaped spermatophore, which contains thousands of sperm.
While it's unclear how the sperm actually fertilize the eggs, what is clear is that it's no fun for the female. Fishermen often dredge up dead males, or just as often, their bitten-off five-foot-long penises.
Another proportionally well-endowed, but ultimately cursed, member of the animal kingdom are certain mosquito fish. Females of the species are irresistibly drawn to males who are hung, but unfortunately, their giant members create drag in the water, making them easy prey for larger, quicker fish.
Que sera, sera.
While human males typically don't risk life or penile limb for sex, they very often risk careers or marriages or bank accounts or social standing just to get some new nookie.
And it's all determined by Testosterone, a hormone that determines physiology and psychology almost from the moment of conception.
While popular belief has it that all fetuses start out as females, biologist Patricia Labosky of Vanderbilt University explains that, "You actually have the plumbing for both genders in early embryos." At eight weeks, both males and females have a proto-penis and a proto-prostate, as well as a proto-uterus and a proto-vagina.
You know the somewhat mysterious female G-spot that has all sorts or orgasmic power attributed to it? It developed from the proto-prostate. The same cells that develop into a prostate in men develop into the G-spot in women.
Some women have more of a developed "prostate" than others, and stimulating the spot in the right way induces them to ejaculate or "squirt" much the same way men do. What's more, the fluid expelled actually shares many common ingredients with semen!
Similarly, male fetuses keep some of their female parts. At about 8 weeks, the testes of the fetus start to produce Testosterone, which promotes the development of the Wolffian ducts (which go on to form the export tubes for sperm). Simultaneously, the male fetus begins to produce something called anti-Mullerian hormone, which "kills" the Mullerian ducts that would ordinarily go on to form the fallopian tubes, uterus, and upper part of the vagina if the fetus lacked a Y-chromosome.
However, the lower part of the vagina hangs around in males to become something called the prostatic uricle, which, as a duct to nowhere, has no discernible function.
Likewise, since there's no anti-nipple hormone, we develop with them intact, even though they're non-functional.
So wrap your mind around this: women have prostates and men have vaginas and tits.
Things get ever more mixed up when some sort of genetic anomaly swizzle sticks the DNA, though. The world is full of women who look, talk, and act like women, but when you examine their chromosomes, turn out to be men. They have Y-chromosomes but a defect on another chromosome makes it impossible for their bodies to react to Testosterone.
When his/her Y chromosome kicked in while he/she was in the womb, it prompted his/her then-neutral gonads to become testicles and start producing Testosterone, but he/she lacked a critical protein that carries Testosterone to the cell nucleus. Since her body wasn't "hearing" the Testosterone, she started to react to her mother's female hormones.
She developed a vagina and was in some ways more female than other females since she had practically no body hair and never developed acne, which most women develop from their small cache of Testosterone.
And then there are what the Dominicans call guevedoche, which translates to "penis at twelve" or "balls at twelve." These are individuals who, at birth, look like girls. Their parents raise them as girls and then, at the onset of puberty, "Momma-come-quick-Lupe's-got-balls!"
Here's the problem: for "maleness" to occur, you need Testosterone to convert to dihydrotestosterone, and this conversion needs the enzyme 5-alpha-reductase. The guevedoche, however, have a deficiency of this enzyme.
As such, they never looked like boys when they were born. Their testicles never descended and their genitalia look perfectly normal... for a little girl.
However, when puberty hits and there's a tsunami of Testosterone, what passed for their clitoris morphs into a penis. Often, the undescended testicles drop into place like rocks dropped off a highway overpass.
While the guevedoche are almost always raised as girls, they choose to live their lives as boys and men after the transformation takes place.
If this info has caused some of you fathers to cast a worried eye towards your tomboyish adolescent daughters because you're fretting that you put too much chlorine in your gene pool by attending all those smoke-filled Rasta concerts in the 90's, there probably isn't too much to worry about as guevedoche occurs most often in the Dominican Republic, New Guinea, and Turkey.
In the case of the male whose body wouldn't react to Testosterone, she is mentally a female and will remain so. In the case of the guevedoche, they have no trouble transitioning into males. The difference is that in the first case, Testosterone didn't influence brain development while he/she was in the womb, whereas in the guevedoche, Testosterone organized the undifferentiated fetal brain in a sex-specific manner.
Clearly, the key to our sexual identity is driven largely by Testosterone, and Testosterone is directly responsible for men being hounds, hounds of a magnitude most women will never fully grasp.
But there are those women who do have an inkling of what most men go through on a daily basis. They're the women who, for some reason, have Testosterone levels that approach those of men. Maybe they got an extra dose of maternal Testosterone in the womb, or maybe, like the alpha-female Hyena, their ovaries pump out a little extra androstenedione, which converts to Testosterone.
I've often written about this, but one indication of high-female T might be the length of the fingers or, more specifically, the relative length of the ring finger compared to the index finger. In men, the index finger, on average, is 96 percent as long as the ring finger, while the average woman's index and ring fingers are almost exactly the same length.
However, there are some women who have finger ratios much closer to that of males. The women with this more "masculine" ratio typically have fewer children. There are also a higher percentage of lesbians in this population. Conversely, men with a more "feminine" finger ratios have lower sperm counts, but there's no evidence yet to suggest that a higher percentage of them are gay.
It seems clear that Testosterone, while shaping our brains and genitalia in the womb, might also have affected certain skeletal elements, like finger length, but what about sex drive, which is where we began this story.
Do these women with masculine finger ratios have a higher sex drive?
Watching two women make love is almost a universal turn-on for men, but does watching two men have sex turn on women? The answer is almost never, except for many of those women who have the "masculine" finger traits described above.
Catherine Salmon, a psychologist at Redlands University in California, recruited 40 female fans of guy-on-guy sex (they do exist) and 30 non-fans and measured their fingers. The non-fans had a very "feminine" index-to-ring finger ratio of 1.04, while the fans measured, on average, a more masculine 0.97 ratio.
I only wish we could determine which sex enjoys sex more. Then we'd have a more complete idea of the sexual nature of men and women.
Unfortunately, our only real reference point on this matter is Greek Mythology. It seems that Zeus and Hera were arguing this very point about which sex gets the more pleasure out of sex. Zeus thought women enjoyed it more, while Hera thought men did.
In order to settle the bet they consulted Tiresias, a man who'd been turned into a woman for 7 years before being turned back.
Given his unique experience on the matter, Tiresias said that women enjoy sex more, thus winning the bet for Zeus. Hera got pissed and out of spite, turned Tiresias blind, thus proving perhaps the only thing we know for sure about sex is that we should always lie about it.
References:
Flam, Flaye, The Score: How the Quest for Sex has Shaped the Modern Man, Penguin Publishing, 2008.
Jacobs, A.J., The Know-It-All, Simon and Schuster, 2008.
Luoma, T.C., Luoma's Big Damn Book of Knowledge, 6th Edition, Penguin Classics.
Nieschlag, E., Testosterone: Action, Deficiency, Substitution, 2nd Edition, Springer Publishing, 1998.
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