Talk Sex
Communicate with men about the horizontal mambo
by: Natalie Gooding
There is no universal way to talk to somebody about sex; there is the ideal and there is the reality. Ideally, you should feel empowered and confident enough to communicate with your partner about sex, including discussions about exclusivity, technique, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and birth control. One could argue that by the time you get naked, all bets are off – just give ‘er, in all respects.
What to say
Dr. Karen Hirscheimer, a Toronto relationship expert, suggests you “check if your partner is comfortable with having a discussion at that moment.” If he has a lot on his mind, you might want to talk about it another time.
She adds that you should “acknowledge that this can be an awkward and embarrassing moment for both of you.” Give yourself permission to ask for some support, your partner can chime in any time to make you feel at ease, too. But don’t shy away from the discussion – be firm, but be sensitive.
When to say it
Discussions about STIs, birth control, and exclusivity need to happen up front. When asked, “When do you want to talk about it?” Derek, a 27-year-old designer, aptly responded with, “Right before.” Very few things are as stressful as walking around for a day, or even weeks, wondering if that rash is from your new laundry soap or from last weekend’s frolicking. Spencer, a 23-year-old financial analyst, noted that, while talking about STIs or sexual history or preferences upfront isn’t always practical, it’s certainly possible.
Timing is critical, says Dr. Hirscheimer. “If you’re going to give some feedback about technique, you probably shouldn’t wait until after you’ve made love, because then it may feel like you were correcting recent behaviour.” Showing courtesy can go a long way when it comes to getting the message across, so be sensitive to when you're delivering it.
How to say it
Now let’s work on delivery. If you shuffle your feet, avoid eye contact, and look uncomfortable, he’s bound to respond in kind. Start all discussions, especially feedback, on a positive note.
For example, “I love the way you kiss me. I was hoping we could talk about how to make good things even better. Is this something we can talk about? I’d really love to hear what you want.”
It’s fair to assume your partner wants to get things out in the open too and ensure that you’re both on the same page.
Why to say it at all
What could be better than being with someone who reads your mind? It would save us the embarrassment of having to talk about something we fear will have huge consequences.
You might be pleasantly surprised when it turns out he wants to join you at the clinic for a physical and blood work or that he’s a fan of monogamy. He might also want ten kids, enjoy kinky sex, and occasionally want to film your romps and put them online. It’s mission critical to be clear.
Dr. Hirscheimer points out that “lack of communication often leads to a couple drifting apart.” Problems that are discussed rarely, if ever, don’t go away. It’s also important to stay current, don’t assume that what was a priority or a touchy topic two years ago still is today. There is always the opportunity to introduce something new into a relationship.
Health and Sex
Don’t forget all the other mitigating circumstances that affect sex. Stress, over-all health, libido, and, of course, timing.
Matt, a 32-year-old psychiatry resident, pointed out that “not all stress is bad stress.” Thrill seekers, like those who like to have sex in public places, thrive on the novelty and stress in order to find sexual excitement.
It seems to come down to a mix of timing, honesty, intention, delivery, and content. Trust your gut, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, take a deep breath, and give ‘er.
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